In case your Sunday night didn’t include watching the 2015 Miss America pageant, I’ve done the dirty work for you. Thank me later.I missed the beginning, so anything that happened before the swimsuit competition gets a free pass. Everything that happened after that practically wrote this post for me.First, who taught these women to walk? For most of the competition they’re in some sort of dress, so I don’t think their abnormal gait is noticeable. But during the swimsuit competition there’s little to hide behind, so we see just how ridiculous they look when they walk. Their feet swayed back-and-forth so much, and their hips jerked side-to-side with such gumption that if I saw someone walking like that in public I’d refer them to a reputable chiropractor I know.And, by the way, does the high-heel/bikini combination occur anywhere else besides beauty pageants and in between rounds of boxing matches?Now to the contestants. Oh my goodness, the contestants. Like I mentioned before, I missed the first part of the show, which means that I missed more than half the contestants. I’m not too happy about that. If the women I saw were the best-of-the-best, then I really regret not seeing the rest of them.The first person to catch my eye was Miss Kentucky. During her evening gown traipse they played a voiceover of her saying that she wanted to be like Audrey Hepburn. Fine. But I’m pretty sure Audrey Hepburn wasn't known for side boob.Miss Ohio. I’m no fashion expert, but the lapels on her dress were hideous. If even I know that something fashion-related is ridiculous, then it’s way out of bounds. Seriously, search for a picture of her. Bad.Miss Oklahoma. What the hell? What follows is a direct quote from her voiceover: “This gown accentuates my giraffe-like qualities.”For the love of God, what does that even mean? It shows how you can eat sticks from high trees? We get a good view of your ten-inch vertebrae?I began to feel bad about making fun of Miss Oklahoma for that statement, but then I watched her do some interpretive dance. I looked for giraffe-like qualities, but really all I wanted was for a lion to appear on stage.During the talent competition, little bubbles appeared on screen with fun facts about the women.One of Miss Arkansas’s pieces of information stated that she likes giraffes. Is Geoffrey from Toys ‘r Us running this thing? What’s with all the giraffe lovers?Miss Massachusetts made no mention of loving giraffes, but she played the piano in a gown that accentuated her long neck. Coincidental that the woman who actually did sort of look like a giraffe made no mention of liking giraffes? Probably not.Although she didn’t like giraffes, she did say that she was once attacked by a cheetah in Zambia. (See what I mean about this post writing itself?) After her performance her dad enthusiastically waved some sort of light saber in the audience, like a wannabe Luke Skywalker.Most of the talents were rather lame. Miss Ohio—she of the really bad lapels—had the best of the night. She sang Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious as a ventriloquist. So she’d sing a few words and then her dummy would sing a few words. It was actually quite impressive. A cynic would say it’s not surprising that the best performance involved a dummy with a bunch of fake parts.I wouldn’t say that. A cynic would.Miss Florida’s first fun fact stated that she slapped a shark as a child. Her second fact said that she loves Waffle House. She won the “Fastest Transformation from Interesting to Boring” part of the competition.My favorite fun fact appeared while Miss New York performed. The bubble said she “loves anything Jane Austin.” I’d love to know if Miss New York or the person typing the bubbles isn’t aware that the author’s name is Jane Austen, not Austin.Because I don’t like to just pick apart things without offering ways to improve them, I have a couple of ideas.First, some contestant should find a way to wear a thong for the swimsuit portion. Picture this: a contestant walks out on stage in her bikini, does her little twirl, and then out of nowhere rips the fabric off the bottom of her bikini, revealing a thong. Can you imagine? Whether she won or not people would know her name and her state, and the Miss America pageant would become must-see TV every year forever.Second, they should tell each of the finalists they’ve won and then judge them on their crying face. I have no doubt that if the judges saw the face Miss New York was making after she won they wouldn’t have awarded the crown to her. Yikes.And by the way, I don’t believe the contestants’ oft-repeated claims of “These women are so great” and “I’ve made such good friends” and “Any of them would make a great Miss America.” Someday one of those women—probably the runner-up—is going to shiv the winner.By the way, if you like what you're reading here, you should like my Facebook page, Brett Baker Writes.You should subscribe to this blog, don't you think? That way you'll never forget to come back. Forgetting is bad. So why don't you just type your email address in the box and click the "create subscription" button. I'm not going to send you a bunch of junk, and you can ditch me any time you want.