The nicest person I’ve ever met is my wife when she’s ordering at a drive-thru. She’s normally a very friendly person, but when she’s at a drive-thru her friendliness kicks up a notch.I have a few different theories as to why this happens.First, since she spent a few years working at a McDonald’s in high school, she very likely remembers that certain human beings are jerks, and that all jerks seem to revel in displaying their jerkiness to employees of restaurant and retail establishments.Or maybe she’s just happy because she’s about to satisfy her daily craving for a fountain Diet Coke. (This will no doubt be the topic of an upcoming post. I used to think she was crazy when she talked about how much better fountain soft drinks are than canned soft drinks, but now I know that she’s right!)But I think the actual reason that she uses the I’m-so-friendly-my-voice-is-smiling voice is that she practices the same duplicity that affects us all. I’ve tried to come up with a snazzy name for it, but I’m stumped. It’s easy to explain though.It’s that phenomenon that allows me to answer a phone call at work in my friendliest, I-really-want-to-help-you voice, when really what I’m thinking is, “For the love of God, would you people stop calling me so I can get some damn work done!”Thanks to this fact of human nature, if my wife is in the drive-thru, craving just a nanosecond of silence while three kids are arguing in the back of the van, and our oldest daughter is complaining about something else, and then the car in front of her finally moves, she can yell a quick, “Be quiet or no one’s getting anything,” at the children, before smoothly transitioning into, “Hi! Can I please have a large Diet Coke…” without sounding like she’s ready to go all “fire in the hole” on the poor McDonald’s employee.This ability actually probably helps preserve our species. If we couldn’t say one thing while thinking another, many of us would have short lives.Self-preservation dictates our responses in a variety of situations:When I tell my kids to clean their room, they might say, “Okay,” and go upstairs as if they plan to start cleaning. But inside they’re thinking, “I don't have to clean. If I don't he's just going to yell and then come clean it himself. I wonder if there’s a new episode of Pokémon.”The lady behind the counter at Target might say, “Sure, no problem,” when a customer asks if she can return her child’s dress because it doesn’t fit, but really she’s thinking, “I can tell from the ice cream stain that your kid wore this. And I don’t care what our return policy is, you’re lying right now and trying to scam us out of some money because you’re too damn cheap to buy a dress that your kid’s only going to wear once.”A flight attendant can answer the fifth call from a passenger during a two-hour flight with a smile and a polite, “What can I get for you?” when really he’s thinking, “If I could open the doors on this plane I’d throw you out.”The high school math teacher can offer a kind, “That’s not quite right,” when a student forgets how to solve a simple math problem, when really she wants to say, “In your entire life, have you ever even opened a math book? Calculating the ounces your dealer sells you isn't the sort of high achievement we had in mind.”A college student can tell his mom that he’s spending Thanksgiving at his new girlfriend’s house, and his mother can say, “That’s fine. Your father and I send our love,” when really she’s thinking, “If that girl takes my son from me, I’ll cut a bitch. Into pieces. And bury them.”Your boss can propose a new set of policies that everyone must adhere to, and you can nod and say, “These sound like great ideas,” when really you’re thinking, “This guy’s lucky his dad started this company, because otherwise he'd be a homeless beggar. But he's such a jerk he'd have to cut off some fingers just to get some sympathy.”And when your husband tells you that he’s going to fix that leaky pipe in the bathroom, you can say, “Thanks for taking care of it,” instead of “Holy shit, how in the world did you manage to tear yourself away from watching football, eating Doritos and yelling at the TV long enough to actually do something?”So here’s to not saying what you’re thinking, and living a long, happy life!+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++You can tell me what you really think on my Facebook page: Brett Baker Writes. Like it, please.
Want an e-mail every time I write something new? Type your email address in the box and click the "create subscription" button. I'm not going to send you a bunch of junk, and you can ditch me any time you want.