I hope you don’t have plans to watch anything on network television tonight. It’s Tuesday and late January, which can mean only one thing…the State of the Union address.The State of the Union has always been interesting to me. I watched it as a kid even though I didn’t know what the heck Presidents Reagan or Bush were talking about. I knew it was a big deal though, and the ceremony of it is always impressive, no matter who the president is.And I’ve watched it almost every year since, although I have noticed that I’m less attentive the past few years. The eight o’clock start time corresponds with bedtime for the younger Dry it in the Water kids, and even after they’re snug in their beds, I’ve got stuff to do. Mad Men episodes to catch up on. Sorry Prez, Don Draper’s cooler than you.If you believe the Nielsen folks, an average of 42.3 million people watch the address, although last year only 33.3 million watched. I suspect these numbers are a bit inflated though. I’m sure quite a few people have the television on, but are actually doing something else and aren’t paying attention. People can feel smart, civically-responsible and engaged because they have it on, but really they’re just waiting for NCIS: New Orleans to resume. Want an e-mail every time I write something new? Type your email address in the box and click the "create subscription" button. I'm not going to send you a bunch of junk, and you can ditch me any time you want.
Because the State of the Union can be rather dry and boring for some people, I thought it might be interesting to look at ways to jazz it up. It can’t hurt to make it more interesting, right? Must See TV with a political spin.So let's try to get these changes implemented:--Have E! broadcast from the Capitol red carpet. Maybe then you’d see Senators and Congressman wear something other than a black suit with a red or blue tie. Maybe we’d see more female members wears crazy hats like Frederica Wilson from Florida.--Have one of the Supreme Court justices wear nothing under their robe. “News” channels spend hours dissecting the president’s speech. Imagine how much time they’d spend playing a game of “Who was naked underneath?”--Replace Eliot Engel. In case you don’t know who he is, Eliot Engel is a congressman from New York. He arrives at the Capitol early on the day of the State of the Union so he can get an aisle seat and shake hands with the president on his way into the chamber. He’s been on television shaking hands with the president every year since 1989. He also looks like Groucho Marx.I propose replacing Eliot Engel in the audience with someone like Groucho Marx. No, not the real Groucho Marx. He’s dead. We don’t want to make things that interesting. But maybe we can find a comedian who will stand there with a cigar in his mouth and insult everyone’s wife.--During the speech seamlessly switch from a live shot of the speech to footage of the president giving a completely different speech filled with all sorts of crazy proposals like Free Ice Cream for Everyone, changing the name of the country to Awesomeland, and requiring high school students to watch every episode of Three’s Company in order to graduate. Watch Twitter crash.--There’s got to be someone who can put itch powder in Joe Biden and John Boehner’s underwear.--Invite all attendees to a pre-speech party with abundant alcohol. Give everyone a carton of eggs as they enter the chamber. See what happens.--Seat the members of Congress according to how often they’ve been on television in the past year. So those members who have been on television often sit far away from the cameras, those who have had their nose to the grindstone and done their jobs instead of just trying to be famous sit closer to the camera.--Or surprise each member by sitting them next to their mistress. Watch them squirm.--Find the slime buckets from the old Nickelodeon show You Can’t Do That On Television. Employ them. Listen to the laughter.--Morganna, the Kissing Bandit.That would do it, wouldn’t it? You’d tune in if most of those suggestions were implemented. It’s probably too late for this year, but maybe we can do it next year. Call your congressman and demand change!Take your country back!PREVIOUS POST: The Lego Movie SucksIF YOU LIKED THIS POST I BET YOU'LL ALSO LIKE: My Interview with North Korea's Kim Jong Un+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++Hey, how 'bout you Share this post on Facebook and Like my page Brett Baker Writes.