Your days are numbered, Winter. Even though I’m sure you’re feeling rather smug right now, you should keep in mind that this is the beginning of the end.I know you’ve got some big things planned for us over the next few days. The meteorologists say that we might not get out of the single digits on Wednesday and Thursday of this week. Tom Skilling, Chicago’s weather guru, warns that seventy-nine-year-old weather records may fall.Good job, Winter. I hope you enjoy it.Here’s the situation, Winter. This is Rocky IV. We’re Rocky Balboa and you’re Ivan Drago. You’ve been beating the crap out of us round after round. You’re bigger, you’re intimidating, you’ve given us a couple of black eyes and our lip’s cut open.
Those cold days in January were like thunderous body blows from the powerful Russian, and the Super Bowl snowstorm felt like a right hook to the jaw. And to make matters worse, we’ve had “trainers” in our corner who say annoying shit like “Cold enough for ya?” and “I’d rather be cold than hot,” and “Isn’t the snow pretty?”They’re trying to help. They’re trying to motivate us. Sometimes it works. But most of the time I just want to punch them.We’re tough though. The early rounds are over, and we’re battered. In mid-November, when we felt those first twenty-degree days, I swear that I heard the cold wind utter Drago’s famous pre-fight words, “I must break you.”Bad news, Winter. We’re still here. And like Rocky Balboa, we’re still on our feet.For the next couple of days you’re taking big swings at us. Go ahead. Because we’re at that moment in the fight where Rocky lands the first big punch against Drago. It’s a solid right to the eye, followed by shouts of “He’s cut, he’s cut!”You’re cut, Winter. And your half-hot, half-scary wife just stood up in the crowd, and she’s worried. You’re not invincible. In fact, maybe we’ve got your number. You know it. Your harsh wife knows it. But more importantly, we know it.You’re on the run, and we’re just getting started.The next two days, when you try to bring down some cold Arctic air to freeze certain parts off of our body, this is your last chance. It’s the cheap shot that Drago takes on Rocky after the bell rings, when he grabs him by throat and punches him in the face.But like Rocky, we’re not going to take it. We’re going to pick you up and throw you to the ground like a wrestler. “It’s a gutter war! No holds barred!”When I’m walking from the parking lot to my building at work, and the cold wind comes off the lake, and hard pellets of snow and ice batter my cheeks, and half-ass shoveled sidewalks only add to the treacherousness of walking, I’m going to think of Rocky Balboa and Ivan Drago.And I’m going to imagine that you’re punching me in the face, but that I know that I’m going to win. I’ll feed off of your cold punches. I might even say “It’s not cold enough for me,” just to make you mad.You might have a few more good rounds left in you, Winter. Maybe you’ll land a body blow or two, and I’m expecting more roundhouses. At some point, you might even think that you’re going to win.But we’re near the end now. Like the Soviet crowd who started cheering for Rocky, the snowmen are beginning to cheer for us. You’re looking at us and wondering just how much more we can take. How are we even standing? And maybe you’ve given up any hopes of victory. As we enter the final round, all you’ve got is the hope that you can keep going. “To the end!”And when the end comes, you’ll be defeated, like Drago. And we’ll be victorious, like Rocky. Then maybe we’ll give some unintelligible speech about changing the world while draping ourselves in the American flag.That’s where I draw the line though. I’m not doing Rocky V next year. That movie sucked. So when you return I’ll have to come up with a different analogy.For right now though, I’m content with just kicking your cold Soviet ass!PREVIOUS POST: Juicy Presidential AffairsIF YOU LIKED THIS POST I BET YOU'LL ALSO LIKE: Why Winter Sucks+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++Hey, did you like reading this? If so, you should Share it on Facebook so you can bring joy to others. You can also find tons of other posts by me here. And you can like my Facebook page, Brett Baker Writes. Please.
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