In case you missed it, my birthday was two days ago. I’m sure you’re real upset that you let it slip by without wishing me Happy Birthday, aren’t you? Don’t feel bad though, I probably don’t know when your birthday is either.But if I do know when your birthday is, I don’t need Facebook to remind me of it. I’m a date-oriented person, so if I saw you on the street I’d probably wish you a Happy Birthday even if Facebook didn’t tell me to do so.Since almost everyone is on Facebook (how’s that for a simple overestimation?), we don’t need to remember anyone’s birthday anymore. Facebook is there to remind us that the girl who sat across from us in eighth grade music class is celebrating a birthday today. And if we happen to miss the e-mail, the Facebook notification, or the little birthday cake next to their name on our friends list, it’s unlikely we’ll avoid the plethora of birthday messages decorating their timeline.Still, just because Facebook tells me it’s someone’s birthday doesn’t mean I’m going to take the time to wish that person a Happy Birthday. The fact of the matter is that sometimes I just don’t care. Not even enough to click on their names and type “Happy Birthday.”That’s some serious not caring!I never worry about getting into trouble for missing someone’s birthday (although I do still feel bad that I forgot my nephew’s birthday in 2012), but I can imagine that Facebook is invaluable for those poor saps who are too self absorbed to realize that their sister or mother or wife are celebrating a birthday.Has anyone yet invented a logarithm to calculate how many fights have been avoided thanks to Facebook’s birthday reminders? Probably not, but I bet the world’s a more peaceful place because those reminders exist.As I thought about my birthday (have you wished me Happy Birthday yet? Didn’t you get my hint in the first paragraph? Visit the Brett Baker Writes Facebook page and wish me a happy birthday now!) and Facebook and friends and hollow greetings, I began to wonder what other crises could Facebook help the world avoid?
So Mark Zuckerberg, if you’re reading this, get your staff cracking on these ideas and save the world even more trouble.--Excuse reminders. Remember when you were supposed to go out with your friend last year, but you ditched him at the last minute because some “adult model” was making a special appearance at the local “gentlemen’s club”?Your friend remembers. And when you’re hanging out and start talking about that night it might be helpful to remember that you told your friend that you couldn’t go out because your irritable bowel syndrome was flaring up.--Sobriety evaluator. Facebook should be able to tell users how sober they are just by what they type into the status updates. Type something that only a drunk person would type and your Facebook account is frozen for twelve hours.True that Facebook users are already sobriety evaluators, but wouldn’t it be nice to know before you click on that “Post” button?--Action prompter. Facebook is cool. It’s fun. Everyone likes it. But believe it or not there are other things to do in the world. Wouldn’t it be nice if Facebook reminded you of this?So if it’s Friday night and you’re signing into Facebook for the eighth time a notice would appear on your timeline. The notice would contain pictures of fun stuff you’ve done in the past, suggestions for what you might want to do now based on your status updates, shares and pictures, and a list of people who have also signed on eight times.Then a bright red triangle would cover the entire screen along with two flashing words: “Do Something!”--Trouble repository. We all get in trouble sometimes. Those of us who aren’t jackasses learn from our mistakes. Unfortunately, the jackass: non-jackass ratio on Earth has been off-kilter for years. Therefore, many of us end up getting in trouble for the same things over and over again.Wouldn’t it be nice if Facebook remembered all of the times we got into trouble and warned us before we made the same mistake again? I’m not sure exactly how that app would work, but if it existed I probably wouldn’t have run out of gas eight times.--Idiot warning system. This already exists. Read about it here.All of a sudden, Facebook seems wholly inadequate.PREVIOUS POST: I Blew Off Flat Stanley and Became a Dad FailureIF YOU LIKED THIS POST I BET YOU'LL ALSO LIKE: Little White Lies Can be Dangerous+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
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