After allowing the dust to settle for a couple of days after the first day of school, it’s time for the annual Back to School nights, where parents get the opportunity to cram themselves into chairs and behind desks designed for people half their size, and see the classrooms where their children now spend most of their their waking hours, and meet the complete strangers in whose care we leave our children to be imparted with wisdom. Or discipline. Or both. Or neither.For the teachers, it’s a rare opportunity to speak to a group of their peers, instead of their children’s peers. I can’t imagine the disappointment the teachers feel when they still have to deal with tardiness, lack of attention, and dumb questions.As much as Back to School disappoints me, I do like Back to School night. It’s nice to see what my children experience during the day, and I have fun trying to imagine them sitting in their desk, learning, reading, paying attention, and hopefully not asking dumb questions.This year I have kids in sixth grade, fourth grade and kindergarten, so I went to Back to School night at the elementary school and the middle school. And in the three hours I spent in school over the past two nights, I observed a few interesting things.Teachers hate standardized tests. Or at least almost all the teachers my kids have hate standardized tests. Most of them hinted around the issue, and dealt with it as a “We don’t like it, but we have to do it” issue. Only one teacher came right out and said she didn’t like standardized tests and then listed the reasons why.It occurred to me that her monologue against standardized tests would have scored very well on a standardized test. She chose an issue, declared a point-of-view, and then listed reasons why she was right.
Luckily, she only talked about hating standardized tests for a minute or two. The only thing worse than standardized tests is listening to people complain about standardized tests. I once listened to the same person harangue against standardized tests three times over a two-week period. I wanted to take my number two pencil and puncture my ear drums.Projects suck. Teachers like them for some reason, but that’s only because they don’t remember what it was like to be a student. Sixth grade teachers especially seem to like projects and they act like they’re doing the kids a big favor by assigning them. Project is code for busy work that requires ten hours to teach a lesson that could be comprehended in ten minutes.One teacher said all projects would be completed in class instead of at home. And then she acknowledged the Great Secret: parents complete most projects assigned at home. She knows what’s up.Leave the projects for art class.Teachers are excited to have my children in their class this year. I heard this numerous times, and not just about my children. All the children. Just once I’d like a teacher to admit, “I saw that little asshole’s name on my class list and I asked to be transferred to another school.”I propose we have an End of School night in May. It won’t take place in school, it’ll take place at a bar. All the teachers will drink, and parents will find out the truth. Let’s see how gung ho those teachers are after nine months of Little Johnny running his mouth all day, refusing to turn in homework, and sticking his gum under the desk.I’m getting old. I walked into my sixth grader’s first class and wondered what the high school student was doing in there with other parents. And then the dude goes to the front of the class and introduces himself. He’s the teacher. He graduated college three months ago.My son has seven teachers. Four of them were obviously younger than me, two of them were around my age, but probably a couple of years younger, and only was older. Sometimes I think, “I’m only 38.” And sometimes I think, “Shit, I’m 38.” Back to School night was a “Shit, I’m 38” sort of night.Kindergarteners are the smartest people in any of the schools. If you haven’t been in a kindergarten classroom recently, you don’t understand. You’ve forgotten how fantastic it is. Everything is words and colors and numbers and crayons and scissors and glue and Kleenex and awesomeness.And those little kids are away from home all day long, maybe for the first time ever, and they’ve got years and years of school ahead of them, and if we’ve done our parenting jobs well they haven’t yet acquired any of the bullshit that makes adults so horrific. It’s sublime.So now it’s time to get down to brass tacks. Our kids and their teachers will roll their sleeves up and do the work. And if we’re smart, we’ll join in and help.Because not helping is the best way to ensure that your kid is going to be that little asshole. And that kids’ parents won’t be invited to End of School night.This is your final warning.Let me send you more Dry it in the Water posts!
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