(I wrote this yesterday and was ready to post it, but before I could, this happened. Therefore, this is actually my 101st post, not my one hundredth. I've decided to just play pretend though. So play along, okay?)This is my one hundredth post since I started writing at ChicagoNow about six months ago. Since I’m a numbers guy the one hundredth post has a special significance to me. At first I thought that I might try to do some epic, entertaining, witty, important post for number one hundred, but if there’s anything I’ve learned about the way I write at ChicagoNow—and in my other writing—it’s that quite often epicness (yes that’s a word) and planning don’t coincide. Want an e-mail every time I write something new? Type your email address in the box and click the "create subscription" button. I'm not going to send you a bunch of junk, and you can ditch me any time you want.
When I look at the first ninety-nine posts on Dry it in the Water, I see some that are funny, some that are smart, some that seem forced, and some that just come up a little bit short. (And yes, you’re correct, I’m not linking to the not-so-great posts. Do you think I’m an idiot?)Even though I wish every post were golden, I still appreciate those that aren’t because at least they’re there. Before I started writing them, those posts didn’t exist. Then I wrote them, and now they exist.And there’s something to be said for that.Stephen King wrote a great book called On Writing. The second half of the book talks about his writing process and offers some helpful tips for anyone who wants to write. And even though it’s been thirteen years since I read it, I still remember his number one tip (besides reading a lot): write.Just do the work.He writes 2,000 words every day, which probably sounds like a lot. And if you’re a writer who’s having a bad day (there are good days and bad days in writing just like everything else), it can seem nearly impossible to produce 2,000 words in a day.But the 2,000 words isn’t the important part of his advice. It’s the every day part that really matters.His first book, Carrie, has just under 60,000 words. Since I’m a math whiz I’ll tell you that those numbers work out to just under thirty days of writing.Thirty days! A month and then a novel was born. It didn’t exist before, he wrote for a month, and now it does exist.I didn’t get to one hundred blog posts all at once. And while I do try to write something every day, I don’t write my blog every day. But by keeping to a regular schedule, and focusing on the next post, some months passed and I have one hundred posts.So it turns out that just doing the work works.And it doesn’t just work for writing. It works for everything else as well.I’m no historian, but I’m pretty sure that no one in the history of the world has ever achieved anything by inaction. Nor has any great accomplishment been completed all at once. Everything happens a little bit at a time. All that’s required is persistence.This might be particularly useful to remember around this time of year as people struggle to continue whatever New Year’s resolution they’ve set for themselves.If you want to lose a few pounds, don’t forget that you have to cut 3,500 calories to equal a pound. So if you want to lose thirty pounds you’ve got to cut 105,000 calories. You can’t do that in a day. But you can cut 600 calories in a day, which might not seem like much. However, after about six months your thirty pounds will be gone!Want to read more? Fifteen minutes doesn’t seem like much, but if you read fifteen minutes every day you’ll have read enough to have finished Carrie twenty-seven times by the end of the year!How about running? Maybe you can’t run ten miles right now, but you can run a hundred feet, I bet. So do it. Then tomorrow run a hundred feet, walk a hundred feet, and run a hundred feet. Build off of that. Slow and steady wins the race. Chip away a little bit at a time and you’ll eventually get to your goal.There’s so much to be said for just showing up and doing the work, that we don’t celebrate it enough. Instead we celebrate the people who achieve great things. It’s easy to forget that before anyone achieved anything great, they showed up and did the work.Just do the work.PREVIOUS POST: We Are Calling to Inform You That All of Our Schools are On LockdownIF YOU LIKED THIS POST I BET YOU'LL ALSO LIKE: What I Believe, Crash Davis Style+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++Hey, how 'bout you Share this post on Facebook and Like my page Brett Baker Writes.
We Are Calling to Inform You That All of Our Schools are On Lockdown
This is my hundredth post on ChicagoNow. I was just about to post an entirely different entry until my wife called me at 12:26 to say that the high school my daughter attends was on lockdown due to a threat made against the school.As parents, how do you respond to that? I mean other than “Oh shit!”What can you do when you’re at work thirty miles away, and the school administration building doesn’t answer the phone, and the local newspaper hasn’t yet reported the story, and none of the five or six Twitter accounts related to the school aren’t updating, and your daughter sends a text saying that they’re hiding under desks?Nothing. You can do nothing but wait. Want an e-mail every time I write something new? Type your email address in the box and click the "create subscription" button. I'm not going to send you a bunch of junk, and you can ditch me any time you want.
You can check this grand information superhighway and find no information. Reliable information? Unreliable information? No information.So you wait. And you check newspaper websites, television station websites, school websites, and Twitter, and Facebook, and you hope that someone acknowledges what you know to be true only because your daughter sent a text to your wife saying that they’re on lockdown and hiding under desks.And you wait.Three interminably long minutes pass before an e-mail comes in with a recorded voice message from the school:“We are calling to inform you that all our schools are on lockdown due to a phone threat from a known individual. The Highland police department is diligently searching for this person. Schools are on lockdown and will remain so as a precautionary measure. Students and staff are safe and we will inform you of any updated details via this school messenger.”Students and staff are safe.Well that helps a little bit.But now it’s not just the high school. It’s all schools, including the elementary school my two sons attend. So that’s now three kids in two buildings that I have to worry about.And then the local newspaper publishes its first story about what’s happening. The phone call came from a phone number in Dallas. The police there are en route to the home where the call originated.Maybe this will be over soon.Then another update by the newspaper. This time they’ve talked to the superintendent of the town schools. The article says that he and the police dispelled rumors of someone inside the school with a gun and kids hiding under cafeteria tables and desks.Rumors?My daughter was under her desk in the classroom with the lights off. That’s not a rumor. That happened. A friend’s daughter texted her to say that she was in the cafeteria and under a table. That’s not a rumor. Another friend’s daughter was hiding in a closet. That’s not a rumor.Someone inside the school with a gun. That’s a rumor. That didn’t happen.In another local newspaper update a few minutes later the superintendent explained that during a lockdown “students are kept in classrooms with the lights down and lessons proceed as normally as possible.”That’s not what was happening. Kids were hiding under desks. The teacher told my daughter to hide under a desk, but the superintendent is saying that kids aren’t hiding under desks.So what happened? Did the local newspaper misquote the superintendent? Does the superintendent not know what was happening in the school? Or are the teachers not aware that during a lockdown instruction should continue and kids don’t need to hide under desks?But as a parent, as the event is unfolding and information is scarce, there’s the following fleeting, horrible thought: “They don’t want us to know how serious this is.”I hope that’s not true.However, I am glad to be writing this post. Or, I should say, I’m glad that I’m not writing a different, scarier, much more horrible post.It would have been nice to have correct information in the newspaper though. It would have been nice if someone updated an official Facebook or Twitter account. It would have been nice if my daughter didn’t needlessly hide beneath a desk.It would be nice if my daughter didn’t have to send texts that read, “I love you guys if something happens.”It would be nice if my ten year old son didn’t have to say to my eight year old son, “I wasn’t worried for me, I was worried about you.”It would be nice if these things didn’t happen.Yet still I’m thankful because it could have been worse.PREVIOUS POST: How to Make the State of the Union Address More ExcitingIF YOU LIKED THIS POST I BET YOU'LL ALSO LIKE: Dear Guns,+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++Hey, how 'bout you Share this post on Facebook and Like my page Brett Baker Writes.
How to Make the State of the Union Address More Exciting
I hope you don’t have plans to watch anything on network television tonight. It’s Tuesday and late January, which can mean only one thing…the State of the Union address.The State of the Union has always been interesting to me. I watched it as a kid even though I didn’t know what the heck Presidents Reagan or Bush were talking about. I knew it was a big deal though, and the ceremony of it is always impressive, no matter who the president is.And I’ve watched it almost every year since, although I have noticed that I’m less attentive the past few years. The eight o’clock start time corresponds with bedtime for the younger Dry it in the Water kids, and even after they’re snug in their beds, I’ve got stuff to do. Mad Men episodes to catch up on. Sorry Prez, Don Draper’s cooler than you.If you believe the Nielsen folks, an average of 42.3 million people watch the address, although last year only 33.3 million watched. I suspect these numbers are a bit inflated though. I’m sure quite a few people have the television on, but are actually doing something else and aren’t paying attention. People can feel smart, civically-responsible and engaged because they have it on, but really they’re just waiting for NCIS: New Orleans to resume. Want an e-mail every time I write something new? Type your email address in the box and click the "create subscription" button. I'm not going to send you a bunch of junk, and you can ditch me any time you want.
Because the State of the Union can be rather dry and boring for some people, I thought it might be interesting to look at ways to jazz it up. It can’t hurt to make it more interesting, right? Must See TV with a political spin.So let's try to get these changes implemented:--Have E! broadcast from the Capitol red carpet. Maybe then you’d see Senators and Congressman wear something other than a black suit with a red or blue tie. Maybe we’d see more female members wears crazy hats like Frederica Wilson from Florida.--Have one of the Supreme Court justices wear nothing under their robe. “News” channels spend hours dissecting the president’s speech. Imagine how much time they’d spend playing a game of “Who was naked underneath?”--Replace Eliot Engel. In case you don’t know who he is, Eliot Engel is a congressman from New York. He arrives at the Capitol early on the day of the State of the Union so he can get an aisle seat and shake hands with the president on his way into the chamber. He’s been on television shaking hands with the president every year since 1989. He also looks like Groucho Marx.I propose replacing Eliot Engel in the audience with someone like Groucho Marx. No, not the real Groucho Marx. He’s dead. We don’t want to make things that interesting. But maybe we can find a comedian who will stand there with a cigar in his mouth and insult everyone’s wife.--During the speech seamlessly switch from a live shot of the speech to footage of the president giving a completely different speech filled with all sorts of crazy proposals like Free Ice Cream for Everyone, changing the name of the country to Awesomeland, and requiring high school students to watch every episode of Three’s Company in order to graduate. Watch Twitter crash.--There’s got to be someone who can put itch powder in Joe Biden and John Boehner’s underwear.--Invite all attendees to a pre-speech party with abundant alcohol. Give everyone a carton of eggs as they enter the chamber. See what happens.--Seat the members of Congress according to how often they’ve been on television in the past year. So those members who have been on television often sit far away from the cameras, those who have had their nose to the grindstone and done their jobs instead of just trying to be famous sit closer to the camera.--Or surprise each member by sitting them next to their mistress. Watch them squirm.--Find the slime buckets from the old Nickelodeon show You Can’t Do That On Television. Employ them. Listen to the laughter.--Morganna, the Kissing Bandit.That would do it, wouldn’t it? You’d tune in if most of those suggestions were implemented. It’s probably too late for this year, but maybe we can do it next year. Call your congressman and demand change!Take your country back!PREVIOUS POST: The Lego Movie SucksIF YOU LIKED THIS POST I BET YOU'LL ALSO LIKE: My Interview with North Korea's Kim Jong Un+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++Hey, how 'bout you Share this post on Facebook and Like my page Brett Baker Writes.
The Lego Movie Sucks
Academy Award nominations came out this morning. That means for the next six weeks or so we’ll compare films and roles that are completely different and try to decide which is the best. It’s sort of like asking which tastes better: raspberry cheesecake with chocolate ganache or a really good pizza.They’re completely different and it’s impossible to say that one is better than the other. (Except for Daniel Day Lewis. He’s always the best. Actor, I mean. Not food.)Inevitably there’s some controversy over the nominations. Since there are limited slots, someone always gets snubbed. Boo-hoo.It seems that most people were surprised that The Lego Movie wasn’t among the five films nominated for Best Animated Feature. From what I’ve read, some “experts” even thought it had a chance at being nominated for Best Picture. There are stories all over the web today about how surprising it is that it wasn’t nominated. Want an e-mail every time I write something new? Type your email address in the box and click the "create subscription" button. I'm not going to send you a bunch of junk, and you can ditch me any time you want.
When it came out in February I read almost universally positive reviews from professional critics. Most of the kids and adults that I talked to liked it as well. It had unique characters, some funny jokes, and a song so catchy that you’d find yourself humming it days after you saw the film.So in February my wife and I packed up the Dry it in the Water brood and went to the theater to see it. And…I didn’t like it.It’s not that I hated it. Maybe I'm going overboard by saying that it sucks. I just don’t think it’s deserving of all of the praise it’s received. I think it has benefited from people saying how great it is, which causes other people to say how great it is because that’s what they’re supposed to say.But I just didn’t see greatness. About thirty minutes into it I looked over at my three youngest kids—9, 7 and 3 at the time—and they were all laughing, obviously enjoying it. And I thought to myself, “What am I missing here? Is this going to get better?”Unfortunately, it didn’t really get any better to me.The storytelling was all over the place, and the plot went off the rails a few times. There were a couple of points in which it seemed like the filmmakers realized that they couldn’t carry the story any further, so they just changed direction and hoped that the non-stop frenetic action throughout the film would keep the audience from noticing.Is this a story about saving the world from Lord Business, or about Emmet realizing that he really is special, or about friendship, or about selling more Lego sets? Maybe the filmmakers tried to make it about all of those things, but it was just too all-over-the-place.And if everyone’s living in a world where Lord Business is in charge, and Lord Business is so horrible, why is everyone so damn happy? If everything is awesome, how bad can Lord Business be?I do like the ending of the film. It’s the only part that really seemed to have heart to me. The rest of the film shows what happens when chaotic action, bright colors, catchy music, and a Grand Army of characters are substituted for actual storytelling and filmmaking.I think part of the problem may have been that I had zero empathy for Emmet, the main character who all of the other Lego yahoos thought had some special power. For most of the film I was hoping he’d meet some untimely demise as he transitioned from one of the dozens of realms to another.It’s hard to like a film when you’re rooting for the protagonist to bite the dust.He survived though (calm down, that’s not much of a spoiler), and everyone except for my wife (she has extraordinarily good taste!) and me loved it.But at least the Academy agreed with me!And we’re left with five other films that were nominated for Best Animated Feature. I haven’t seen any of them. However, in the past films like Toy Story 3, Finding Nemo, and, last year, Frozen, have won. I loved all of those films, and I think they all deserved to win.The Lego Movie, not so much.PREVIOUS POST: Run Again, MittIF YOU LIKED THIS POST I BET YOU'LL ALSO LIKE: I Wish I Could Live my Kids' Dreams+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++Hey, how 'bout you Share this post on Facebook and Like my page Brett Baker Writes.
Run Again, Mitt!
Whiff, whiff. (That’s the sound of me smelling, by the way). What’s that smell? It’s oddly familiar, but distant, and rather unpleasant. Whiff, whiff. Gross. It sort of makes me want to puke. But what is it?That’s right. It’s the garbage smell of presidential politics!Even though we’re not yet halfway through Barack Obama’s second term, rumblings of the 2016 presidential campaign are beginning. Most people won’t care for at least another year, but politicians and pundits have started to gear up. Want an e-mail every time I write something new? Type your email address in the box and click the "create subscription" button. I'm not going to send you a bunch of junk, and you can ditch me any time you want.
The big news from this past weekend is that Mitt Romney is considering another run at the presidency. You remember Mitt don’t you? He ran for president in 2008, but lost the nomination to John McCain, and in 2012 he won the nomination but lost in the general election.And now he’s ready to do it again! Maybe.If you believe the New York Times—and if you’d vote for Mitt, you probably don’t—there’s a fair amount of reluctance by Republicans toward a third Romney campaign. They say he doesn’t connect with voters, ran a bad campaign, is too stiff, isn’t likeable, blah, blah, blah.But if Mitt called and asked me for my opinion (I won’t wait by the phone), I’d tell him to run again. Go big or go home. Run a better campaign. Make yourself likeable. Since your real name is Willard Mitt Romney, stop calling yourself Mitt and go by Willie. It’s impossible for people not to like someone named Willie.Others will say something like, “You’ve run for president before and you lost. Time to move on and give someone else a turn.”Let’s be honest though. People who run for president are among the most self-absorbed, egotistical, confident people in the world. It’s probably impossible to convince them to just step aside and give someone else a chance. They only stop running when it’s clear they’ve lost.History tells us Mitt can win though. Quite a few people have run for president, lost, run for president again, and won.John Adams, Thomas Jefferson, James Monroe, John Quincy Adams, Andrew Jackson and Richard Nixon all lost presidential elections before they won. And FDR lost an election as a vice presidential candidate twelve years before he won the higher office.And how about Grover Cleveland? That dude won the 1884 election, served four years and lost re-election in 1888. I’m sure some people told him to retire and take up fishing. But four years later he ran again and won the presidency again. He didn’t let someone else have a chance. He did it himself.In the process he got a Sesame Street character named after him, which I would argue, is cooler than being president. I mean I’m sure more people know the furry blue guy from Sesame Street than know the 22nd and 24th president.Millard Fillmore and Teddy Roosevelt both ran for president after being president and they lost. What a blow to the ego that must have been! Speaking of a blow to the ego, Gerald Ford was president until 1977, but by 1980 he was willing to be Ronald Reagan’s vice president. It almost happened, but Ford backed out at the last minute.Speaking of Ronny, although his disciples would have us believe that his presidency was a never-in-doubt gift from God, he actually ran for the White House in 1968 and 1976 and lost both times. Good thing he didn’t listen to people who told him to give someone else a chance. Otherwise that awesome video for the Genesis song Land of Confusion wouldn’t exist.So I think Mitt should go ahead and run again. Sure he’s lost twice, but the third time’s a charm, right? However, it might be helpful for him to remember that the last time a Republican won a presidential election without someone named Bush on the ticket was 1972!Whatever he chooses to do, he better decide soon. The stench of presidential politics grows with every day, and anyone who wants to be taken seriously has to start stinking. And Mitt Romney can stink as much as anyone.Note: I am not encouraging Willie to run just because I think he’ll be easy for a Democrat to beat. And it’s surely not just for entertainment value, as Rand Paul, Ted Cruz, and Ben Carson will provide all the entertainment we can handle if they choose to run.PREVIOUS POST: A Breakup Letter to my First CarIF YOU LIKED THIS POST I BET YOU'LL ALSO LIKE: Interesting Elections from American History+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++Hey, how 'bout you Share this post on Facebook and Like my page Brett Baker Writes.
A Breakup Letter to my First Car
In 1994 I bought my first car, a 1985 Dodge Daytona, for $1300. I was so anxious to drive that I got the car before I got my license. We always remember our first car, and mine was no different.However, nothing lasts forever. What follows is the farewell letter I should have written to my first car, if I’d thought of it. And if it could read.(But first a picture. This isn't my car, but it's very similar. Mine wasn't a turbo, and this one doesn't ooze coolness. I think those are the only differences.)
Dear (uh-oh),I’m not off to a good start here. It just occurred to me that I never named you. What kind of guy gets a car and then fails to name it? Maybe I’ll call you Betsy. That’s what my dad always named our cars when we were kids. “Whoa Betsy!” he’d say, usually as he slammed on the brakes to avoid running a red light.I guess it’s silly to name you now, but your lack of a name doesn’t mean that I loved you any less. In fact, it kills me that we have to breakup. But let’s not focus on the negative. Let’s remember the good times.Like when I learned to drive you. Thanks to awesome grandparents, I’d been driving sporadically since I was twelve years old, but I’d never driven a stick shift before. But I loved you so much that I didn’t care if you were a stick. I wanted to learn.Thankfully, my dad knows how to drive a stick so he taught me. I apologize for that burnt clutch you suffered while I was learning. But really, has anyone ever learned to drive a stick and not burnt the clutch?No hard feelings, eh? And while we’re at it, do you think you can find it in your heart (or transmission or engine or whatever cars have instead of a heart) to forgive me for running out of gas? I know, I know, most people only have to run out of gas once before they vow never to do it again, but I learned something all three times I ran out of gas with you. So thanks for that.And thanks also for not breaking down when we drove you all the way to Indianapolis. I know that’s a long haul for an old car like you, but you handled it like a pro. Granted, we probably never made it above sixty miles per hour, but who cares?Thanks most of all for being a complete babe magnet. I mean girls were all over me during high school just because they wanted to ride in you. Okay, so I made that part up. No girls were knocking on my door in high school. But it doesn’t matter, I wouldn’t have traded you in for some hot girl anyway. Probably.Besides, who needs girls to make memories? Like that time we were driving and your muffler just fell off. Out of the blue. No warning. Quiet one minute, thunderous, ear-stabbing roars the next. That’s smooth.And how about the time you broke down in the Burger King drive-thru? Or on a deserted road while I waited for a train to pass. Or in a do-it-yourself car wash on a freezing day. Good lord you broke down a lot. Never mind though. I loved you anyway.I loved the awesome display on the dash that looked like something out of Back to the Future and told me what doors were open. I loved the way I could shift through your gears and pretend I was cool. I loved the distinct fresh smell you never lost, despite the disgusting smells associated with high school boys.I even loved the way your headliner drooped and rubbed against the top of my head. And the staples I used to try to keep it up. I loved the brake lights that were out for two years before I realized it (which we only discovered when a friend hopped out of the car to throw a bag of garbage into the hatchback—don’t ask).But it’s time to part ways, dear nameless car.It’s well known in the dating world that “a good personality” is code for an unattractive man or woman. And as mean as it is to say, I have to be honest. You have a great personality.Actually, that’s not quite right. I mean you do have a good personality, but I’m not getting rid of you because you’re ugly. You’re still awesome. Curvy and aerodynamic in that mid-eighties way, even your rather ugly maroon color has rubbed off on me.The problem is your guts. It’s what's inside that counts in this situation, and by inside I mean your engine and everything else. I just can’t drive a car that has a hole in the bottom of the engine. I’ve tried, but I can’t do it. It’s not normal to have to add a quart of oil everyday.So this is it. I’ve got to cut you loose. I know I’ll regret it someday, but I can’t worry about that. This is what’s right for me now. And as much as it kills me to say it, I know I’ll be better off without you. You’ve become a drain on me, and I just can’t do it anymore.With eternal gratitude, love, and memories,BrettTo replace my car, I bought a sharp new (used actually, but new to me) teal 1993 Chevy Beretta GT. It was awesome in a 1990s sort of way.Two weeks later I let a girl with a learner’s permit drive it. She crashed it and I had no car.When I went to sleep at night, I ever-so-faintly heard the sound of my 1985 Dodge Daytona laughing at me.PREVIOUS POST: Summer is Worth Complaining AboutIF YOU LIKED THIS POST I BET YOU'LL ALSO LIKE: In Defense of Running out of Gas, Repeatedly+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++Hey, how 'bout you Share this post on Facebook and Like my page Brett Baker Writes.Want an e-mail every time I write something new? Type your email address in the box and click the "create subscription" button. I'm not going to send you a bunch of junk, and you can ditch me any time you want.
Summer is Worth Complaining About
“The snow is so pretty when it glistens.”My wife spoke these words last night when I was complaining about the cold.“And the air is so fresh and clean. And we can go sledding and build snowmen.”She was trying to act like winter doesn’t suck. I admire her “look at the bright side” approach, but this ain’t my first rodeo. She can’t fool me simply by reciting a few winter fallacies that even she doesn’t believe.Winter is the pits, especially January and February winter, and no good-natured, it’s-not-that-bad declaration will convince me otherwise. My wife and I have discussed moving to a warm weather climate at least half a dozen times over the past three months, and we’re only half-joking. I’m not buying her sudden “yay winter” attitude.However, we’ve got at least two more months of this crap, and I’m already tired of hearing myself complain about it, so I guess it’s time to try another tactic. Maybe I can fool myself into thinking that I’m actually happy about winter, and shoveling snow before sunrise, and wind chill warnings, and every other dreadful thing that goes along with having the great misfortune of living far away from the equator in winter. Want an e-mail every time I write something new? Type your email address in the box and click the "create subscription" button. I'm not going to send you a bunch of junk, and you can ditch me any time you want.
Airing my grievances about winter didn’t work. I’m obviously still mad. So instead I’ll air my grievances about summer. Let’s try the “It could be worse” approach.It could be worse, we could be shooing mosquitoes away from our faces and swatting them on our arms.It could be worse, we could feel all sweaty as soon as we leave the house.It could be worse, our lawns could be dry and brown with no relief in sight as the weather forecast shows only sunshine for the foreseeable future.It could be worse, our ice cream cones could melt all over our hands before we have a chance to eat them.It could be worse, those neighbor kids could be screaming all afternoon as they bounce on their trampoline.It could be worse, we could have to sleep with our windows closed because the mangy mutt next door won’t stop barking and his idiot owner won’t let him in.It could be worse, we could be caught walking back from the park in one of those freak afternoon thunderstorms where the sky is clear one minute and then it gets all windy, dark and rainy, and we’re looking over our shoulders to make sure we don’t see flying cows or any of the other cool stuff from the movie Twister.It could be worse, we could have to deal with the faint, distant smell of skunk when we run to the store late at night.It could be worse, the car could be filled with sand because no matter how thoroughly we towel off when we leave the beach it’s impossible to shake it all off.It could be worse, we could take a swig from the bottle during that backyard barbeque and discover that our beer is warm.It could be worse, we could arrive early for the big 4th of July parade, only to find out that some new guy and his family have taken the spot we’ve claimed for the past fifteen years.It could be worse, we could discover that it's harder to fly a kite than we remember.It could be worse, we could start walking barefoot across the beach and then discover that the sand is much hotter than we thought, and then have to figure out a way to get back to our shoes without burning our feet off, to say nothing of the challenge of enjoying the rest of the day at the beach with blisters on our soles.It could be worse, there could be too much wind to have a bonfire responsibly.It could be worse, we could be dealing with the reality of a Cubs season.It could be worse, some putz could say, “Hot enough for ya?” as if the words had never been spoken before.It could be worse, it could be the middle of summer and we could be left with nothing to do but drink lemonade and relax.Actually, now that I think about it, all of that stuff sounds better than a thirty-five degree below zero wind chill.Damn you winter. You’re no summer.PREVIOUS POST: In Online Dating, Beware of Ax MurderersIF YOU LIKED THIS POST I BET YOU'LL ALSO LIKE: Why Winter Sucks+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++Facebook. Share this post. Like my page. Now! Brett Baker Writes.
In Online Dating, Beware of Ax Murderers
What’s the dumbest thing you’ve ever done?If you’re anything like me, that’s probably not an easy question to answer. I’ve done a good number of dumb things in my life, and choosing just one might be impossible.But generally speaking, on the hierarchy of dumbness (I wonder if using a word like dumbness says anything about where I fall on that hierarchy) going out on a date with someone you met online is often thought to be near the top.I mean who goes looking for love (or worse) online?Ax murderers, that’s who. Men who are looking for unsuspecting women they can charm and lull into a false sense of security right before they chop her into six thousand little pieces. I saw it on TV once. Or maybe I read it in a book. I don’t remember.
Either way, it’s best to stay away from ax murderers.However, the main problem with that line of thinking is that it’s just not true. Most people looking for love online probably aren’t ax murderers. Some are. And if you happen to run into one, then I suppose you owe me a big fat “I told you so,” but for the most part I don’t think you’re any more likely to meet an ax murderer online than you are in public.Fifteen years ago I was an ax murderer.At least that’s what one woman thought. That’s why she put me off for six months.It started in June 1999. As far as I know this was before match.com and eharmony. And Facebook was still half a decade away from being birthed in Mark Zuckerberg’s mind. I’m not even sure if anyone was blogging back then. (Well except for me. I “blogged” by sending my “posts” through e-mail to friends and strangers. I think most people probably deleted the e-mails without opening them.)Anyway, back then if you wanted to meet a special lady online there was no substitute for AOL. That distinct buzz-ding-chirp-static noise of a dial-up connection used to send a chill up my spine as I waited to see who was online and ready to chat. AOL had this tool called People Finder, which was basically a creeper’s dream. Enter search terms and AOL would return users who fit those terms.Hell yeah!If fate and good luck cooperated, then it was possible to meet some pretty awesome people that way. And when I began chatting on AOL with a woman that summer, I thought she was super awesome.And in the miniscule mind of a twenty-one-year-old guy, talking to a super awesome woman on AOL means that he must meet the woman as soon as possible. Reality is online, so make online reality.Never mind the questions, the mystery, the unknown. Go full steam ahead. Ignore even the most basic opportunities for deception. Don’t ask questions like “Is this super awesome woman really a woman, or is this some hairy, old dude from Boise named Vern?”All of that stuff will work itself out. Best to just get on with it.Luckily, twenty-one-year-old women are smarter than twenty-one-year-old men. They ask questions like, “Is this guy an ax murderer?” And even though the answer is unequivocally no (I’m not sure I could swing an ax and hit my intended target!), the important thing is that the question is asked in the first place.A little caution goes a long way.So for the next six months I worked on convincing the super awesome woman that I wasn’t an ax murderer. Although she never specifically came out and asked me the question, I think she somehow deduced the truth from our conversations. I don’t know how she did that. Woman magic, I suppose.Perhaps my best quality is persistence. It can be annoying sometimes, but often it pays off, just like it did with the super awesome woman. I was like the Colorado River and she was the Grand Canyon. (My worse quality is horrific analogies.) And instead of taking millions of years to wear her down, it only took six months.And probably sixty-four dozen conversations containing the phrase, “When are we going to meet?”But fifteen years ago at this very moment we were on our first date. It went well. I liked her. She tolerated me. Then she grew to like me.Yesterday we celebrated our eleventh wedding anniversary.And as far as I know, neither of us are ax murderers.PREVIOUS POST: Why We Should Run Everywhere, All the TimeIF YOU LIKED THIS POST I BET YOU'LL ALSO LIKE: That Time my Parents Thought I was Kidnapped+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++Hey, did you like reading this? If so, you should Share it on Facebook so you can bring joy to others. You can also find tons of other posts by me here. And you can like my Facebook page, Brett Baker Writes. Please.
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