I took my kids to the park on Sunday afternoon and I almost died.Okay, so maybe I didn’t almost die, but for a few seconds I felt like death. I stumbled, I reached out for something to grab on to and my stomach performed some weird acrobatics.What caused this physiological near-doom? This:
In case you’re wondering how such a contraption is used, let me explain. Kids jump up and grab on to the bar, and the thing spins around, using either the child’s own momentum or the strength of some poor, unwitting adult who just wants them to have fun, but then gets suckered into trying this Death Spiral.My kids spun around four or five times, and then when the thing stopped they’d get down, maybe stumble for a step or two, and then run off to the next activity. When I tried it, I spun twice while yelling something like, “I’m going to throw up!” When the wretched thing stopped spinning I stood on unsteady feet, almost paralyzed, ready to collapse at any second.It was horrible. If you want to know what it’s like to chug ten beers and then walk on a bed of marshmallows, just ride this contraption.Of course my kids think this is hilarious. “Dad spun around twice and now he’s going to be sick!” They say these words with such sadist delight, as if seeing dear old dad almost literally brought to his knees by a piece of playground equipment is the funniest thing they’ve ever witnessed.And this isn’t the first time. A few years back my wife was pregnant with our fourth child during our annual amusement park visit. That meant that she couldn’t ride the intense rides, and the boys were too young to go by themselves. I had no choice.So of course, the kids wanted to ride one of those ghastly spider rides. You know the kind: it’s got eight or ten arms that spin around, while also going up and down, all while innocent civilians hold on for dear life in a spinning car at the end of an arm.What sick scoundrels think this is fun?My kids!As luck would have it, at the end of the ride we were suspended in the air as the other riders disembarked, which only prolonged my agony.Somehow I made it off without embarrassing myself any further, but I left a trail of sweat from the ride to the bench. My lovely pregnant wife—who’s all-too-familiar with my intense loathing for spinning—greeted us and said I didn’t look good. Surprise! I felt even worse.I’ve tried to overcome my aversion to spinning, but there’s no hope. There’s something wrong with me. I just can’t spin.Although, actually, I think the problem lies with those who can spin, and not with me. I’m the normal one.I love rollercoasters. A ride that climbs really high, then propels me at a high rate of speed through twists, corkscrews, and upside down? That sounds great! The faster, the better.I see the appeal of going fast and high and upside down. But what’s the appeal of spinning? You don’t even go anywhere. You spin and spin and spin and end up right where you started. (And yes, I know rollercoasters end up where they start, too, but stay with me here!)Go to an amusement park and watch the people getting off a rollercoaster. There’s a spring in their step. The thrill of the ride has released endorphins and they’re feeling great. There aren’t any endorphins from spinning. The only thing that spinning is going to release is your lunch from your stomach.In fact, that feeling I get after spinning is a disease. Vertigo! Why should I go to an amusement park to get a disease? That doesn’t sound like fun.Alfred Hitchcock knew the horrors of spinning, too. He made the film Vertigo, with James Stewart and Kim Novak. Yeah, Hitchcock’s definitely a rollercoaster guy.On the other hand, Walt Disney brought us the Mad Tea Party teacup ride at the Disney theme parks. He’s a sicko! It’s no coincidence that the ride is themed after one of the craziest scenes in any Disney film, the unbirthday party in Alice in Wonderland.I’m sick just thinking about it.Wasn't that well-written and fun to read? You should subscribe to my blog and we'll send you an e-mail every time I write a new one. Type your email address in the box and click the "create subscription" button. My list is completely spam free, and you can opt out at any time.
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